I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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