Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You ruined the universe
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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