Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
