so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
