He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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