with your own penis?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
