and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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