Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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