He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize