You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i was born a porn star she said
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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