It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
