You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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