Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
