You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
