I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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