The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
