can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize