Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
