I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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