Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
