Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
