as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
