The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
