Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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