I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
