In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
