i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
