it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
