do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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