I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
