It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my shit smells like andre
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
