real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I wish they made helmets for livers.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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