Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
