Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
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