Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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