i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
