her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
