I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
