Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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