It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
