i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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