I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
