Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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