it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
i now understand why vodka
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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