he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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