Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
