seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
