"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
