that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
