So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
