I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
