Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
