There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
