I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Randomize
