be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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