I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
