I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize