my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
