do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
